More of the Same

Well, as we like to say in this family, another day, another dollar. Another Tuesday, another week begun...James has left and I am 'alone' again. We have heard nothing from the last showing, giant shock. We were discussing our current situation, and the statement was made: "Dear Whoever is raining down this shit on us: We were not bored. We did not want selling our house to be an adventure in patience and cleaning. No offense, but this has now officially GOTTEN OLD. Let's get a move on already...yep, we get the point, now all of us treasure each moment we are together and make the best of the moments in between. Mission accomplished. " Anyway, I can't REALLY complain....we had a great weekend and my week is starting out relatively fine. I ate right and worked out when I was supposed to and managed to do no harm to anyone or anything living in this house. Ta Da!
Now I will go back to bitching. I am not sure that I really see what it is that is keeping our house from selling. I understand that the market has been shiteously bad, but we are closer to three years of waiting than we are to two. And at this point, it is the idiosyncrasies of the prospective buyers that are REALLY starting to make me flip my flop. So here is my top five list of buyer's reasons for not wanting to buy my house, in order of annoyance:

5. We were looking for a farmhouse.
WOW! You were? Then why the hell would you come and look at MY house? It is NOT a farmhouse. Not in the pictures, not in the description, not in real life. It is a contemporary. It says that on the listing sheet. Here is a helpful tidbit for any of you people wanting to buy a house - contemporary DOES NOT equal farmhouse. Forever and ever AMEN.

4. My millionaire fantasies were dashed by the fact that you had the woods logged.
I don't know who told you that you could make money off of buying property in Maine and making a mint off the trees, but that is not true. Also, they are still my trees, so your complaint is like complaining about mileage put on a car you want to buy. TOUGH SHIT. If you had bought my house two years ago, there were more trees then. They were my trees, though, so I sold them. Also, there are still plenty of trees here....you have all the firewood you will ever need, trust me. I base this assertion on one simple fact: TREES GROW. In fact, they will grow better now that we had some of them cut down. You cannot burn them faster than they will grow, unless you light the woods on fire.

3. The house is too big/too small
This one is similar to # 5..... My square foot equals your square foot. 2000 of them in this house is the same as 2000 of them anywhere. REALLY. Why why WHY would you look at a 2000 square foot house for you and your spouse and then be surprised at how big it is? I am assuming that you come from another dimension where everything is slightly smaller. Or perhaps you think I lied on my listing sheet. Or, most likely, you are dumber than a box of hair.

2. Wait? What? Oh, we never actually got out there to look at it.
WHAT? Really? REALLY? You went to the trouble of calling my agent and arranging for a showing and you are now telling me you 'never got to it'???!?!? Well, just so we are crystal clear on this, I want to inform you and everyone reading this what goes into getting ready to show the house: First, I have to wait until I have just enough time but not to much, because I have four people living here who were hired solely to mess this house up. That is the only job they have. Not only do they mess it up, but I am forced to mess it up on their behalf (stupid kids eating all the stupid time) Then, when the time is right, I have to move through this house like a whirlwind, cleaning and dusting and mopping and vacuuming, taking care of at least two children who, while I love them, are the opposite of helpful.... all the while with the refrain in my head "I hope it's good enough". Enough to give a girl a complex. Then, when the house is clean I have to round them all up (including the dog) and leave my house for at least an hour....usually two because people are late OR....surprise....never actually come. I hate you people. Forever.

1. (with a BULLET, people!) We are just starting to look....there are a lot more houses on our list.
what? How many houses can a person/couple look at without the shopping becoming totally pointless? Apparently the answer to that is EVERY HOUSE IN THE MOTHERLOVING STATE. We here at the Beer compound have been #3 out of the ten they have seen, in the top 5, but we are planning on seeing more, best we have seen, it's down to two of you (that one twice) I have another tip for anyone thinking of buying a home: do a little research first, PLEASE. It is not just impractical but downright CRUEL to waste someones time by looking at their house along with 20 others. If you can't narrow it down more than that, you have SERIOUS decision making problems, and I would prefer you DID NOT work them out on my time. Look at the pictures on the interwebs. Ask your realtor some questions. Buying a house is not like going to Baskin Robbins, you mouth breathers! You couldn't POSSIBLY really be interested in 20 different houses, and if you ARE, then I have news for you: You are an asshat.
When I have purchased a house, I found a few houses in my price range that I wanted to see, saw them and picked one. See, I was able to eliminate houses very easily like this: I hate capes. No capes on my list of houses to see EVER. Want to know why? Because when I get inside that house, no matter how perfect it may seem, IT IS STILL A CAPE, AND I WILL NOT WANT TO BUY IT. I need 4 or 5 bedrooms....the funny thing is that they LIST that right on realtor.com. Neat, huh? Looking at a 3 bedroom home would be a little foolish for 6 people. so I don't.
Too much choice is as bad as not enough....remember that, people.
NOW SOMEBODY BUY MY HOUSE!